2018- Desperately seeking self acceptance

2018 is here and as usual there is the traditional of making New Years resolutions then desperately trying to keep them. Then comes the sense of failure when we fail meet these high expectations placed upon ourselves.
There are usually sincere, good intentions behind the resolutions we make but in reality somethings are too far a reach for us. Why do we put such enormous pressure on ourselves because of the new year? What is the huge difference between the 31st Dec and 1st Jan? It’s just another day.

Sad lady at window
This is the first new year that I’ve been using a wheelchair when I’m out and it’s been an emotional time. The shops are full of fitness gear at this time of year. Getting fitter, more healthy, losing weight are the buzz words of New Years resolutions and brand marketing teams know exactly how to use these resolutions to their advantage. The mannequins in the windows show off the cute sports bras and leggings, amazing bright, bold running trainers that I can’t help but see everywhere. However much I want to get up and run to get fit, to run and run until all the anxiety and depressing thoughts disappear out of my head, I can’t.

Please don’t get me wrong, I applaud those of you that work your arses off to get fit and healthy but I still can’t help but feel a bit sad and almost disappointed in myself that I can’t buy that pretty gym gear, that I can’t slip on some awesome trainers and run away my doom and gloom. I can’t help but feel jealous.

Runner tying up her trainer laces
I’m an emotional wreck if I’m honest with you. My heart aches when I see older women walking around the shops. It sounds so silly when I say it out loud but I’m jealous and I can’t help but feel scared wondering what my future will be like at their age, how much independence will I have?

I want options, I want to chase my youngest son around at the park and kick a football around with him. I want to walk him to school holding his hand as we chat and giggle along the way. I want to dance and run and feel that joy and freedom.

Lady dancing under the moonlight
So as far as New Years resolutions go I guess mine would be to find some sort of peace about my situation. To find the positives and not dwell on the negatives so much.  But it’s also important to be honest about my emotions with myself and the people I love.

I truly know how lucky I am, I know how much worse things could be and I have so many things that I am beyond grateful for. Yet I can’t help but feel sad and wish things were different. I guess I mourn the old me, my old life.

Wheelchair with lady in distance

So this will be me for 2018, Mandie- desperately seeking self acceptance.

Have you made any news years resolutions? I’d love to hear all about them in the comments section! 

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