14th – 20th May 2018 is Mental Health Awareness Week and as a person that suffers from depression, anxiety and panic attacks I thought it was only write that I talk about my current situation. I’m also going to re-publish last years posts about mental health awareness.
What’s really ironic is that I didn’t even realise it was mental health awareness week this week when I the early hours of Monday morning my partner was woken by me sobbing beside him.
I am very private about my problems, even to my family and my partner I don’t want to burden them with my worries and I guess I’m ashamed that I have them in the first place.
I often feel like a failure and that I don’t meet this invisible bar that we seem to set ourselves and society seems to set aswell.
So where I am I at right now? That’s a tricky question because I don’t really know where I know. That’s part of the problem. I’ve lost myself somewhere in this perpetual cycle of being in so much pain, trying to push myself beyond what my body can physically manage, which leads to more pain. I’m begging to realise that my current problems stem from just that, my body.
I’ve always had body hang ups and things I didn’t like showing anyone or seeing myself but in the last few months I have had a deeper, stronger feeling toward my body. I hate it to the point I don’t look in mirrors anymore, like I can look in a mirror to do a bit of makeup. (this is helped because without my glasses on I can barely see) But getting dressed, trying to put an outfit together to go somewhere important or where I would usually want to look okay for is just a no no. It’s filled with a sudden dread and that lump in your throat. I actually feel a constant ache in my heart which intensifies if I give much thought to anything about myself.
I love fashion and clothes but can I bear to style myself or look in a mirror? Nope because I think I will lose it if I do. Its deeper than weight issues or being short.
I feel like my body had let me down. I feel like my body has given up on me way before my time and it’s stripped so many things from me that I’ve come to slowly despise it.
So on Monday morning, early as I was sitting in the darkness this massive weight just hit me and I could barely breathe. Tears started falling down my face and they didn’t stop for so long my top was soaking wet.
Having self harmed a little in the past I have found that when I get very upset and that pain hits my heart I get the impulse to hurt myself. As if a bit of blood being released would ease the pain. I can see the blood running down my arm and I knew at that point I needed to talk to someone.
So I turned and dived into my partner hugging him tightly as the tears covered him too and we talked, well I talked, he listened. Then he sat with me holding my hand until the sun rise. It doesn’t sound much but it’s what I needed to get me through the night.
We went to the GP today to insist on getting further support in my chronic pain issues so that I can have s better quality of life and the hope is that I can slowly find myself again and learn to be at peace with my body again.
Please promise me that if you feel a similar way or are having any mental health problems that you reach out and you talk to someone. Don’t stay in the darkness alone whilst you suffer. You don’t need to be alone. If you would like to you can contact me for a chat. My dm’s are always open. I’ll leave my contact info and some info on where you can get support with this matter.
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