Mothers day is tomorrow and I always struggle to know what to get my mum because whatever I give her isn’t enough to show her how much she means to me, how much I love her. To thank her from the bottom of my heart for teaching me how to be a good mum myself.
My mum is the sort of person that always says ‘no don’t get me anything’ but I know she does love getting spoilt and she deserves it too. My mum is such an amazing person it’s hard to put into words all the fantastic things she has done for me and my boys. Not only is she the best mum, she’s the best Nan too. My boys adore her and she loves them so much!
Over the years I have given her chocolates, flowers, perfume but I don’t think I’ve ever given her the two things I really owe her.
An apology and an explanation.
My mum and dad gave me and my brother an amazing childhood. My mum has always been the best but I didn’t treat her like that. There were many times I would go out of my way to be mean to her, really mean. She didn’t do anything to deserve it but I was nasty to her and I never told her why. I didn’t understand why but I had this anger, this pain inside me that I desperately wanted to hide but my mum was my punching bag. I don’t know if she even knew why I was so mean.
I’ve never told anybody any of this but I think it’s important to attempt to heal old wounds so that you can move on with your future. But I remember often feeling quite sad as a kid, I didn’t have many friends. I was quite lonely for some reason. I sometimes felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere.
I was always desperate for my Mum’s approval. I knew she loved me but I was a podgy, deformed, frizzy haired, glasses wearing frump as a kid and she was a blonde, super slim, beautiful woman. She was everything I wasn’t and everything I wanted to be. It felt like everybody loved her and I guess I grew up jealous of her. So I wasn’t very nice to her. I didn’t see it at the time but looking back I can see how vile I was to her.
I loved her so much and she loved me but in my head I wasn’t good enough to be her daughter. She never treated me like that but that’s how I felt.
Looking back it started around the same time I was diagnosed with Scoliosis at around 10/11 yrs old. That’s when the words ‘deformed and deformity’ were being thrown at me by the Doctors who poked and prodded me. X Ray after X Ray and appointment after appointment, it seemed endless. All I ever took in from those doctors were those horrible words. I was deformed. A reject, not like my beautiful, perfect mum.
I understand this because I still have those scars now. I always feel like I’m not as good as other people like I am so sort of second class human being from the reject pile. A defective person.
I’m sure I hurt my Mum’s feelings so many times. I cannot tell you how sorry I am for that. It breaks my heart to realise how she must have felt because now I’m a mum I understand how much your children’s words can hurt. Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn’t it?!
Yet after all that my mum still taught me everything about being good mum, she showed me how to be good person.
So Mum I am so so sorry for being such a horrible, moody, spiteful daughter and I hope you can forgive me. I love you so much and I would be truly lost without you. You have done so much for me, I don’t really deserve you but you are my hero. I hope you have the most wonderful mother’s day and always know that I love you very much. XXXXXX